To Be An Angel Parent

Being an Angel Parent is like having a membership to a club that no one ever asked for, but you paid a terrible price to receive. This blog is where I've written about the price my husband and I paid as we suddenly found ourselves members of this club. We wanted to write down the memories of our experience in order to preserve the story of our son for our family, as well as share our experiences in the hope of helping others who have suffered or are suffering a similar loss.

Scott and I were married October 10, 2009. Marriage seemed to come naturally to us. Its always felt like we were meant for eachother. We're the other's best friend. Of course we've experienced much in our short time as husband and wife - both good and bad - but we've been very blessed and our relationship has grown stronger because of it all. When we decided to start trying to have a baby, I didn't worry too much about anything going wrong, especially losing a child. I come from a large family so having children always seemed like second nature - easy even. The most traumatic thing we knew of were miscarriages, but even that wasn't really talked about. So when my husband and I found out we were going to lose our child it opened my naive eyes to the reality of having children. The babies who survive are the miracles because I now understand just how much can go wrong.

Despite the pain and sorrow of losing our son, my husband and I have found a lot of peace and comfort. We attribute our healing and blessings to the faith we have in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. We are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Because of our beliefs, we have faith that someday we will be re-united with our little son someday. Death is not the end. What would be the point of living and learning if it all came to nothing in the end? We believe in God, we believe that He is aware of each and every one of us and that He has a plan for each of us to attain the utmost happiness. We also believe that in order to reach that happiness, sometimes you have to endure terrific trials and pain. How could we truly enjoy the wonders life has to offer if we've never experienced grief or pain? You can't understand one without the other. God uses tests and trials to teach us. And we try to use every experience as a way to grow closer to eachother, to family and friends, and most importantly to continue to develop our relationship with God.
 

Our son Kyden changed our lives forever. He lived for 6 months, all of it within my body. Yet he managed to touch the lives of many people and we hope our experience can continue to bless the lives of others. He's a special spirit and we feel so blessed to be his parents!

         

Weeks 1-8

Even though I was expecting it, I was still a little surprised the morning of June 27, 2011 to see two pink lines show up on my home pregnancy test. It had only been a couple of months since my miscarriage. And Dr. Brown said to wait for one normal cycle before trying again and we definitely did that. But despite the early signs, part of me didn't really expect it to happen again so soon.

I thought back to my miscarriage. It happened the morning of April 16, 2011. It was our first attempt at getting pregnant. Again, we didn’t think it would happen so quickly, but we found ourselves pregnant after our first try. I actually found out I was pregnant on April 10^th - our year-and-a-half wedding anniversary. It was a Sunday and my husband and I kept the exciting secret to ourselves for one, blissful day. Monday the 11th I was at work when suddenly struck by the most painful, intense cramps I had ever experienced. And I mean one minute I was fine and the next BAM. It hurt so bad I couldn’t sit. I left work and went home only to cry and fear what the pain meant. I didn’t even have a doctor yet. So I scrambled on the internet and found a number to call just to talk to someone. The nurse I spoke to told me to take some Tylenol, lie down, and see if the pain passes. She said I don’t need to worry unless I start bleeding.

Well, a few hours later I started bleeding. I called her back and she said we need to go to the Emergency room. I was actually in such a panic that when they asked the date of my last cycle I accidentally told them one month earlier than I meant, so they thought I was 9 weeks along when I was actually 4. Either way, they couldn’t find anything on the ultrasound. They told me either it was too early for anything to appear on the ultrasound, or I was having a miscarriage.

This is when I met Dr. Brown. The emergency room referred us to him and he saw me on Thursday. He told me most likely I was miscarrying but only time could tell. I knew that it looked bad, but still part of me hoped it would turn out okay. The bleeding had stopped as well as the cramps.

But my fears were soon realized.

Saturday morning, April 16^th, I was awoken by the cramps and bleeding, but even worse than before. The pain rolled over me in waves and the only way I got through the day was taking the pain medication prescribed by the emergency room. Needless to say, I lost the pregnancy and I was devastated. But Scott stood by me. He supported me. And we got through it. 

I remember telling family and friends how grateful I was that it had happened so early in the pregnancy – that I wouldn’t be able to handle losing a baby further along.

Well, there I was two months later, sitting on the toilet lid looking down at the pregnancy test, those two pink lines staring me in the face telling me that I was indeed pregnant. I wanted to be excited. I truly, truly did. But I just felt…anxious. Worried. Like I was waiting for something to happen. Something didn’t feel right.

Of course, I chalked it up to having miscarried so recently. Again, we didn’t actually think we’d get pregnant again so soon. But it happened and what else could we do but prepare for a new baby? We were slow about telling others. I waited a week before I set up an appointment with Dr. Brown for our first check up. It was scheduled for July 26th and I’d be nine weeks, three days along.

I was excited, but always hanging over my head was this anxiety that I couldn’t shake off. I told two of my close friends at work that I was expecting, mainly because I couldn’t keep it a secret, what with the nausea and exhaustion. One of them I told after work. We’d often hang out after work to vent about the day and get some time to talk away from sensitive ears. We were at her apartment complex sitting by the pool talking, watching her boyfriend’s kids play in the pool, when I finally plucked up the courage and told her. Of course she knew about the miscarriage, so she knew we were trying. We talked for awhile and she was excited for me –we both looked forward to being moms someday so it was fun to have one of us finally pregnant. As I left, she said, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t really seem very excited.”

I remember feeling shocked – I didn’t realize my anxiety was showing so well. I played it off saying that I was nervous because of the miscarriage. And really, it was a very valid excuse and I wanted to believe that was all. But I knew deeper down that I was just waiting for something. Something to happen.

But of course I did my best to ignore that.

Week 9

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I was actually quite petrified that we’d show up for our first appointment only to find out there wasn’t a baby in there. In fact, I'd spoken to my sister a couple of days before and she told me about one of her friends who went to her 9 week appointment recently only to find that the baby didn't have a heartbeat. So of course that was all I could think about as we sat in the waiting room. I mean, what if I’d imagined the positive pregnancy test? Could there really be a child growing within me? I didn’t even feel too sick yet. Just tired. And for some reason one of the strongest pregnancy symptoms I had was being able to smell/taste the plastic from Ziploc bags. It ruined many lunches.

But we were soon called back to our appointment. Because I was there only a couple of months earlier, Dr. Brown didn’t need to do as many things as normal. We really jumped right into the ultrasound to see what we could see.

I laid down and the lights went off. I tried my best to keep my breathing under control as my belly was gooped up. Scott sat at my head watching. Dr. Brown pulled the portable ultrasound closer, grabbed the magic wand and started moving it around on my belly. Then before I knew it, there he/she was on the monitor. Our little peanut. And we could SEE the heartbeat. That was the coolest thing I’d ever seen! Then Dr. Brown turned on the Doppler and we could HEAR the heartbeat. I never wanted to stop. I could have laid there the entire pregnancy and just watched that baby grow and develop and never gotten bored.

Of course that wasn’t possible and far too soon the lights came back on, Dr. Brown cleaned off my belly and he helped me sit up. The appointment went very well. For the first time since we’d found out I was pregnant, I actually had proof that a little someone was indeed growing inside me. We got to take images from the ultrasound and I didn’t want to take my eyes off them.

 

 

 

Yet even after this, I still felt that anxiety. I knew there was a baby growing, so why did I still feel so uneasy? We decided to wait until we were twelve weeks along before we told our families because supposedly, once you make it to twelve weeks the chance of miscarriage goes down significantly. We figured if we made it until then, we’d be home free, right?

9 Weeks, 5 Days

Weeks 10-11

Week 10

My work holds a yearly Lagoon trip – an amusement part located in northern Utah – every summer. This year it was held on July 30^th, which happened to be week 10 for me. Because I was pregnant I couldn’t go on any of the rides. Which wouldn't have been a problem, except I also worked with my father-in-law, so Scott’s family also goes to Lagoon every year. It’s kind of become a summer tradition. However we weren’t ready to tell them that I was pregnant yet, so I had to come up with some reason for not going on any of the rides. I fairly regularly suffer from migraines, so we decided that would be the best cover for me. Apparently I wasn't very convincing though - his family later told me they began suspecting something then. Oh well! It was a very hot day and we ended up taking a lot of breaks in the shade - which was fine by me! One of my favorite things to do at Lagoon is to hang out in Pioneer Village. There are a lot of old Pioneer houses and museums and its fun to walk around and look at history. Plus they have an ice cream shop where they sell BUBBLE GUM ice cream, which happens to be my favorite. Don't bother asking why because I don't know. I just love it!. We also decided to do one of those fun old Western pictures – one of the earliest pictures with our baby secretly in it! That was really hot and stuffy, but a lot of fun!

 

By this time the morning sickness was really starting to kick in. Just nausea, no vomiting yet. So it was getting hard to hide my early symptoms from family. But I did my best to eat and act normally. If I snacked constantly on items that didn’t make me sick, I could keep the nausea under control. Luckily that wasn't a big deal and we enjoyed the outing very much.

Week 11 

Most Sundays we go down to either my parent’s house or Scott’s parent’s house for dinner. Since our parent’s live a block apart it makes visiting them quite simple. On August 7th we actually attended church with our parents – because they live so close they’re in the same ward. It was my parent’s turn to have us over for dinner and at church I happened to ask my mom what we were having for dinner – she replied hoagie sandwiches. I didn’t think much of it until after church. Scott and I went to his parent’s house to change our clothes when it struck me – I’m not supposed to eat uncooked deli meat because of the risk of listeria which can cause miscarriage. I shared this with Scott and we had to decide what to do.

 

It was one week earlier than we’d planned, but we decided to tell our parents that we were pregnant. I left it up to Scott to tell his parents. When they joined us at their house after we’d changed, we chatted for a bit. One of our favorite things to do with both our parents is to just sit and talk. I kept waiting for Scott to finally tell them and he waited until we were walking towards the door to leave before he said, “Well, there’s something we want to tell you. Shaylee’s pregnant.” I got a kick out of it hahah. They were excited and that’s when his mom said she suspected something at Lagoon. It felt good to finally tell them. We asked them not to say anything though because we wanted to wait a little longer before we started telling everyone.

 

When we got to my parent’s house they had already started eating – we told them not to wait. We walked in and I got nervous about how I was going to tell them. I had planned on doing some fun announcement but because we found ourselves in this predicament we had to improvise.

 

My mom was sitting at the kitchen table; my sister-in-law was at the sink. My mom told us to dig in and I said I can’t. She looked confused and asked why, and I said I can’t eat lunch meat. My mom still looked confused and my sister-in-law turned around with a sly smile on her face and said, “Why can’t you eat lunchmeat?” I just smiled back and looked at my mom as it dawned upon her. She smiled and asked, “Are you?” and I nodded. We announced it to everyone else there – and I called my sister to tell her the news too (she lives in Oklahoma). She’d suspected for awhile as well. I guess I’m just really bad at hiding it hahah!

 

We shared our ultrasound pictures because I carried them with me wherever I went. And it felt so good to share it with loved ones! I enjoyed being able to compare experiences and get advice. And in the end it was a good thing we told them because the following week Scott and I were going to Lake Powell with his family and we felt they should definitely know because I wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret being with them 24/7 for 5 days!

Week 12

Lake Powell is one of my recently acquired favorite vacation destinations. My first trip to Lake Powell was when Scott and I were dating, and I fell in love instantly (I mean I fell in Love with Lake Powell - I was already in love with Scott!). There’s something truly stunning about the beautiful red desert mixed with water! It’s absolutely stunning and I look forward to visiting once a year. We’d love to have our own boat someday so we can repay our in-laws for always bringing us!

We went from August 17 – 21^st. This year was obviously a little different. I had to be sure I snacked constantly in order to stave off the nausea. I also drank plenty of water – Lake Powell is cruelly hot in August! I was too exhausted to try and fish – it seemed every time we stopped I had to take a nap. But boy was it fun! It’s such a different world that it makes all your other cares disappear for a few days. Wonderful.

This trip was when I really discovered my particular craving for McDonalds. Before this pregnancy I rarely if ever ate anything at McDonalds. But the only thing that seemed to truly satisfy me were chicken McNuggets with hot mustard sauce. All other forms of chicken made me extremely ill, but for some reason I was okay with these. Maybe that’s saying something…anyway, we had it for dinner I think two or three times while we were down there and I was perfectly content with that. It made me a little sad that the other restaurants we normally enjoy weren’t as satisfying due to my "morning" sickness.

 

 

 

Overall it was a fantastic trip! I was a little paranoid about the baby, but I did my best to just relax and enjoy some much needed time off.

Weeks 13-17

The next few weeks were pretty uneventful. I did have another appointment in there – August 23^rd. It was fairly routine, although they did tell us that at our next appointment they would offer some blood testing. The AFP test to be exact. Basically this is a screening test to see whether your baby is at risk for chromosomal disorders. It is not a diagnostic test – it simply tells you if you’re at risk or not by measuring the amount of AFP in your blood. Typically its recommended for older women because they are usually more at risk for these things.  But they wanted us to think about it before our next appointment since that’s around the time when they can administer the test.
 
The only other memorable thing was we got to hear the heartbeat again! I loved that sound. I still had a hard time imagining a baby growing in me. I wasn’t showing yet. But I did begin throwing up – I don’t remember exactly which day, but it became common for me to throw-up a few times a week. Ugh so terrible. But I thought it was a good sign – that the baby was growing healthy and strong. Its what I was told at least. As a general rule, the sicker you are the better for the baby. I tried using this as another argument against my anxiety about the pregnancy and it kind of helped, but not much.
 
I was working two jobs at this time – my full time job as a marketing assistant for Weir Specialty Pumps, and a Jewelry Consultant for lia sophia. My lia sophia stuff had slowed down after the miscarriage and I was trying to decide whether or not I wanted to keep it going. One of my roommates from college, Janae, also sold lia sophia and we decided to do a booth together at a bridal fair September 10th. It was actually a lot of fun and we got a few sales from it. I also found out that Janae was pregnant with her second baby – a few weeks behind me! It was really fun to share that together. She’s been such a wonderful friend! I love her to death!
 
There were still a lot of people we hadn’t told about the pregnancy. We announced officially on facebook (don’t you love how if it’s on facebook, its “official”?) on August 23, 2011. Here’s what I put:

Shaylee and Scott

were sitting in a tree,

K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

First came love,

then came marriage...

and SOON they'll have a BABY in the baby carriage!

Due date: February 25th 8)

Again, it felt good to not have to hide it anymore!

The picture on the left was taken at 15 weeks, the picture on the right was taken at 17.5 weeks.

                                

Week 18

Several things happened this week. We had another appointment – September 27^th. At this appointment they asked if we wanted to do the AFP test. All that would be required is a blood draw. Scott and I had talked about it and even though we didn’t fit into the “at-risk” category, we decided to do it. We figured if our baby WAS at risk, we’d rather know about it as early as possible so we could prepare for whatever was to come. We heard the heartbeat again AND we set up the appointment for our big ultrasound! Of course, the most exciting thing to happen yet!

The ultrasound appointment was set for October 6 at 9:30am. I went and had my blood drawn for the AFP test and didn’t give it a second thought. We left the appointment looking forward to the 6^th of October so we could find out the gender of our little one!

I also finally announced at work that I was pregnant. After my appointment I went home and made a big poster board so people could guess whether we were having a boy or a girl. I hung it up outside my cubicle after everyone had gone home on the 26th so it’d be there the following morning. People slowly started walking by and seeing it and word eventually got around. It only took me 18 weeks (almost 19) to finally tell everyone we were pregnant!