I thought back to my miscarriage. It happened the morning of April 16, 2011. It was our first attempt at getting pregnant. Again, we didn’t think it would happen so quickly, but we found ourselves pregnant after our first try. I actually found out I was pregnant on April 10th - our year-and-a-half wedding anniversary. It was a Sunday and my husband and I kept the exciting secret to ourselves for one, blissful day. Monday the 11th I was at work when suddenly struck by the most painful, intense cramps I had ever experienced. And I mean one minute I was fine and the next BAM. It hurt so bad I couldn’t sit. I left work and went home only to cry and fear what the pain meant. I didn’t even have a doctor yet. So I scrambled on the internet and found a number to call just to talk to someone. The nurse I spoke to told me to take some Tylenol, lie down, and see if the pain passes. She said I don’t need to worry unless I start bleeding.
Well, a few hours later I started bleeding. I called her back and she said we need to go to the Emergency room. I was actually in such a panic that when they asked the date of my last cycle I accidentally told them one month earlier than I meant, so they thought I was 9 weeks along when I was actually 4. Either way, they couldn’t find anything on the ultrasound. They told me either it was too early for anything to appear on the ultrasound, or I was having a miscarriage.
This is when I met Dr. Brown. The emergency room referred us to him and he saw me on Thursday. He told me most likely I was miscarrying but only time could tell. I knew that it looked bad, but still part of me hoped it would turn out okay. The bleeding had stopped as well as the cramps.
But my fears were soon realized.
Saturday morning, April 16th, I was awoken by the cramps and bleeding, but even worse than before. The pain rolled over me in waves and the only way I got through the day was taking the pain medication prescribed by the emergency room. Needless to say, I lost the pregnancy and I was devastated. But Scott stood by me. He supported me. And we got through it.
I remember telling family and friends how grateful I was that it had happened so early in the pregnancy – that I wouldn’t be able to handle losing a baby further along.
Of
course, I chalked it up to having miscarried so recently. Again, we didn’t
actually think we’d get pregnant again so soon. But it happened and what else
could we do but prepare for a new baby? We were slow about telling others. I
waited a week before I set up an appointment with Dr. Brown for our first check
up. It was scheduled for July 26th and I’d be nine weeks, three days along.
I
was excited, but always hanging over my head was this anxiety that I couldn’t
shake off. I told two of my close friends at work that I was expecting, mainly
because I couldn’t keep it a secret, what with the nausea and exhaustion. One
of them I told after work. We’d often hang out after work to vent about the day
and get some time to talk away from sensitive ears. We were at her apartment
complex sitting by the pool talking, watching her boyfriend’s kids play in the
pool, when I finally plucked up the courage and told her. Of course she knew
about the miscarriage, so she knew we were trying. We talked for awhile and she
was excited for me –we both looked forward to being moms someday so it was fun
to have one of us finally pregnant. As I left, she said, “Don’t take this the
wrong way, but you don’t really seem very excited.”
I
remember feeling shocked – I didn’t realize my anxiety was showing so well. I
played it off saying that I was nervous because of the miscarriage. And really,
it was a very valid excuse and I wanted to believe that was all. But I knew
deeper down that I was just waiting for something. Something to happen.
But of course I
did my best to ignore that.
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