Celebrating 26 weeks, I met up with some of my old roommates at Kneaders! Carlina, Kim, and Karen! I hadn’t seen them since my wedding – so over two years! It was SOOOOO good to see them! We just talked and caught up with everything that was going on in our lives! I love them so much! It was again, good to get out of the house for awhile, and hello - Kneaders is amazingly good!
I went home around 1:00pm, and when I got home there was a surprise waiting for me in the mail. Remember Meg? Well, she said she would send me a book entitled “Gone Too Soon”. It’s an LDS perspective on child loss. When I opened the package I found she’d sent so much more than that! A touching card, a notebook for me to write my thoughts and questions in, and an adorable baby blanket! I started crying when I pulled out the blanket.
I’d been avoiding buying things baby related. Not because I didn’t want to, I stayed away from it because we didn’t know what the future held for our little guy and frankly we knew most likely anything we bought we’d never use for him. And to be blunt, it hurt. I avoided the baby section like the plague.
But pulling out that blanket and holding it in my hands meant the world to me. It was something tangible I could cuddle since I couldn’t cuddle my son. I was filled with so many emotions when I saw it – mostly joy but sadness too. Unless you’ve experienced it, you can’t know how it feels trying to be happy and enjoy the experience of pregnancy when you know your time is limited with your child. It’s hard being positive in the face of such a situation. But this blanket symbolized peace and comfort. I also thought it was very fitting for our situation. The blanket is blue covered with white clouds, and embroidered in the middle is a little airplane with the words “Up and Away” on it. Of course we were trying to think positive thoughts, but I couldn’t help thinking that soon my little boy would be going up and away to heaven.
The rest of that day I hung out with Scott, relaxed when he went to a young men’s activity at 4:00 (He was 2nd counselor in the YM’s Presidency and they did Xbox nights every so often, which was always a big hit!) then we went to our brother-in-law Aaron’s 30th birthday party. We didn’t stay too long, but it was fun! Scott took me to hang out with my parent’s afterword while he took my brothers and a family friend to play laser tag. I wasn’t allowed to play, being pregnant and all. But having such limited energy anyway, it was nice to relax with my mama!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
We met Scott’s sister Kim at their parent’s house where she took some maternity pictures for us! It was so kind of her to do that. I felt bad because she’d never done a maternity photo shoot before, and I didn’t come prepared with many ideas to help her out! And the lighting was hard to play with. But I think she did a wonderful job and I appreciate her using her talents to help us out! With the recent scare of losing baby, we decided to get a move on with making memories, so these are a wonderful addition to that!
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At our appointment with Dr. Brown, he came in and immediately checked my measurement (still at 31) and listened to the baby’s heart. He just shook his head and listened. Again, it started off slow (around 50bpm) then went up to 140 and stayed there consistently for the rest of the time we listened. When he finished, Dr. Brown sat down and said, “Well, I don’t know what to tell you. None of us thought you’d make it this far, especially after last week.” He said he’d be interested to hear what the doctor’s at our MFM appointment would tell us on Wednesday. He talked to us about possibly transferring up to the U of U MFM because St. Mark’s works as more of a consulting MFM, but at the U they’d work with us on a consistent basis and we’d see the same doctor and everything. He wanted us to ask about what they thought about delivering, had us set up another appointment with him just in case, then we headed out.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
We became rather frustrated at our MFM appointment. We saw a different doctor – the 4th one we’d seen there – and she gave us yet another opinion. She told us the fluid around his lungs, stomach etc. looked about the same, but there was more fluid in his skin because as he grew, there was more blood, which made more fluid, causing his skin to swell. We asked her opinion about delivery and she basically told us she recommends we go full term and let the baby decide how long he wants to keep going. She told us the earlier they deliver the harder it’ll be on him because he’ll have all of the complications of being a preemie on top of his hydrops. She worried about his chances even at full term, let alone as a preemie. She pretty much guaranteed if he were delivered too early, he would get sick and pass away from too much attacking his body at once.
The MFM doctor asked if we wanted to keep seeing them or not because they don’t give us much information – which is true. All we did was see our little boy on the ultrasound, which was hard because we saw his condition each time, but it was reassuring to see his heart beating. Of course, this time was a little different – instead of just hearing the arrhythmia, we could see it. That was tough. Anyway, they had us make another appointment and think about it for the time being. Our thoughts were to keep going, but less frequently. We wished we had a little more consistency. Honestly, we never had the impression that the MFM doctors cared too much about our situation. It was like they were all waiting for him to pass away and that us coming in every two weeks was more of a burden than anything. While we understood their point of view, it still wasn't a fun feeling. We couldn't help but feel a little frustrated that there was nothing we could do. So we left, anxious and frustrated.
26 Weeks
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